Goop

Day One:
rice milk smoothie
salad with carrot ginger dressing
avocado and cucumber soup (delicious)

Forget therapy, codependent relationships or hitting the sauce. When it comes to dealing with irreconcilable issues, I've opted for detox as my coping mechanism of choice. I'm talking good old-fashioned catharsis and denial. (Don't worry, no colonics, enemas, or prescription medications were used in this process.)

No one knows how to detox better than overexposed celebrities, so I headed to ground zero: Gwenyth's Paltrow's website, www.goop.com. Gwennie offered an entire weeks menu complete with recipes for those who want to shed some post-holiday pounds and get that extreme self-discipline high that kind of feels like vertigo.

Gwen: I love detoxing. Its an essential part of a balanced, nuturing, self-aware, socially conscious, artsy-fartsy, Anglophile macrobiotic lifestyle.

Me: Yes, but do you really need to have a "Be" link on your site? Are you qualified to tell me how to exist?

Gwen: Yes. I've lived in another culture, you know.

Me: Do you really think London is a different culture? Is this what you teach your daughter Apple? And how come the name Peaches sounds saucy but Apple sounds so wholesome? I mean, they're both fruits and all.

Gwen: Um..

Okay, that conversation never actually happened. I expect miracles when I detox, such as glowing skin, mental equnamity and a perfect body. Maybe the remnants of all those corned beef sandwiches and peanut butter cups I ate as a child will be flushed out of my system once and for all. In truth, my objectives run deeper. I am determined to get in touch with my inner goop.

******

If you've ever done a detox, you know that it is primarily a metal affair. Subconsciously, I think a part of me believes that the secrets of the universe will reveal themselves to me if I cut dairy and carbs out of my diet. I'm seeking an abstract, life alterning epiphany in a very physical change. After all, the great Buddha said that desire is the root of all suffering.

In any sort of denial, one must cultivate a different relationship with the self. Detoxing is an anecdote to the gluttony that epitomizes modern society, and by extension, an overstimulated self.

A detox has some obvious defining characteristics (you eat less) and some subtle ones (you poop more). There is also an easing into the self and a stripping away of inesentials that is both powerful and frightening. That I cannot quite explain, but consider this: holiness is often aligned with the denial of food: think Ghandi, and all those religious fasts and restrictions, and the way our society idealizes and often lauds anorexia, or merely those who have the willpower to maintain thinness. Thinness is a manifestation of what we truly covet: mastery of, and control over the self.

Day Two:
Fresh carrot orange juice
Broccoli and Basil soup
Steamed salmon and veggies

www.goop.com